Dear Diary: All That’s Left Is Me & My New Friend Anxiety.
By: Marina Gallo Illustration: Sara Barnes
When the clouds darken and the world becomes silent, I feel alone. The axis still rotates, the moon still shines, the rain still drowns, but I’m not here. I’m frozen in time and I’m subsequently forgotten. It’s as if there is not a single person who will ever understand the emptiness that fills my heart each dark night. I try to silence my mind. I try to suppress my tormenting thoughts. I scream to let go of anger. I cry to let go of fear. I look in the mirror to reassure myself that someone loves me; that someone cares; that someone remembers that I exist.
Have I failed in this life.. is my chance over? Is my chance gone to find the person that I set out to be?
I’ve never suffered from self-doubt — or perhaps I never recognized it in myself until now. I have always found jealousy a waste of emotion — one that spreads and cripples the mind like a baneful disease. But, now, when I look in the mirror, that’s all I see. A woman drowning in self-doubt and choking on jealousy. I’m lost. I keep running for help, but it is only when I run back to myself that I realize I am stammering around in circles.
Looking up into the night sky used to make me feel alive. Looking up into that state of darkness used to empower me and free me from a world of plastic hearts and cold touches. It used to make me believe in so much hope and I’ve completely let go of that. I’ve lost touch with love, I can hardly recognize my old friend happiness, I no longer know stability. Now, all that’s left is me and my new friend anxiety.